the one about the sad stuff

i have struggled with postpartum depression for over 4 years.
it all started with that unraveling after Archer's birth.

i first knew it was depression when i couldn't get out of bed,
and it wasn't because I was still healing after the 4th degree tear from a vacuum assisted birth.
it was after my mom left, after Christian's mom left.
i was alone and i had no idea what to do.

it was strange because we were moving very soon after Archer was born, so there was very little furniture in the house.
we had one chair, the one Christian found in the middle of the road in remarkably good shape, a table borrowed from church, our mattress, and the bassinet without the frame that lets it rock.
i was totally ripe for depression.
i remember sitting in our chair with Archer in my arms screaming because he didn't want my milk, but he wanted to suckle, i was drenched in breast milk and crying because i smelled like cheetos.

i went to the doctor. i got put on meds.
zoloft 25mg to be exact
i moved out of state and didn't see that doctor ever again.
i stopped taking the zoloft when Archer was probably 9 months old.
i felt better, i didn't need them any more.

but then Ivy was born.
i was having panic attacks daily after she was born.
i did pretty well, i think, in the hospital when she was in the NICU.
but when we were home and she was screaming non-stop and there was nothing i could do to help her
i snapped.
around 4 o'clock every night, just as the sun was setting (this was the end of November) the panic would start.
my heart would race, my body would tense and i couldn't stop telling myself that it was all my fault.
the attacks were lessened by doing laundry, washing dishes, doing normal things.
also rescue remedy, and lots of catnip and chamomile tea were thrown into the mix.
the attacks eventually stopped but then i was left with a very empty feeling.
and the urge to throw my children down stairs, drive cars into lakes, and jump off of high places.
i looked at pregnant women and hated them because they were creating normal children.
they were ugly feelings but very real.

i prayed a lot.

i went to our family doctor, PA actually.
she was very supportive and extremely kind about helping me.
again i got the zoloft 25 mg.
it worked well for about a year and then i had to bump up to 50 mg.

i would talk with Dr. Kris periodically and check in.
the kids were safe, i was getting better.

then i got pregnant with Jet.
there are risks associated with taking antidepressants while pregnant.
i didn't want to have another NICU experience so i cut back to 25 mg a day and by the third trimester i was off them altogether. not that mentally i should have been.
i was a walking shell.
i tried to stay upbeat, but it wasn't working.
i didn't want to bring another child into a family where his mother wouldn't be there 100%, and he would have a greater chance of himself being depressed.

your probably thinking at this point that i'm probably a huge mess.
ready to chuck my kids off the nearest cliff.

but miraculously i'm not.

i was amazed that a week after Jet's birth i still had not had any baby blues.
i had one crying day, but that was it.

(i hope i'm not jinxing myself by saying this)

i believe that the completely normal and safe and happy birth of Jet healed my brain.

when i took Jet and Archer in for well-child checks Dr. Kris noted how at peace i looked, and this on a day when i hadn't done my makeup!
she had noticed something was different, and she's a medical professional.

hopefully it will last.
i don't know how optimistic i can be.
after all i do have a history.

and i am scared daily that this boost in energy, the new found joy in playing with my children, the willingness to actually do things that i love is temporary or either a precursor to a deep mental break.

please let it last.
please let me seek help early if it doesn't